Caution: If you are one of my sisters, you do not want to read this!!!!!
So it was Saturday night and I was watching SNL when I got a phone call. It was not the call I had been waiting an hour and a half for, but none the less worth picking up. There on the line are these two girls who only seem to call me when they're drunk. They scream into the phone and insist that I come drink with them, and every once in a while say if I come out "Bambi" will give me sex.
Bambi, as you may have guessed is not her real name. I am sure that if her employer did not regularly search for her name and image on the Internet, she would not mind me saying who she is. (Hint: the other "hoe" from Get Some G) (A movie made by some friends of mine five years ago, and at the end I get all the hoes!)
For some reason (for the first time ever) I show up. They offer to buy me a drink, but because I am on Vicodin & Naprosyn for cracking two of my ribs at work on Friday I decline and get a 7up instead. The small talk begins, and after about 5 minutes Melinda says " hey, Tommy I want to be your #1 friend on MySpace what do I have to do to be your best friend". Because Melinda has a big ass rock on her finger, I said "it's not what you can do ".
After a quick laugh and some whispering Melinda says "if "Bambi" kisses you, can I be your best friend?", and I agree so "Bambi" kisses me on the cheek. Now I am not stupid, so I say "that will get you on my Top 16". So then "Bambi kisses me (very quickly) on the lips, and I say "you're now on my Top 12", and that's when the negotiations start. So for the price of kissing with tongue and writing a bulletin about it using the name "Bambi" for her friend, Melinda is now my #1 Top Friend on my MySpace page for the next 2 months.
Now this may seem a little fucked up, but the really fucked up part is that I truly regret that kiss. That's not to say I didn't enjoy it. I did, but not until it was over, and then only for a couple of minutes. You see I have this insecurity a bout kissing. It may be due to the fact that I did not kiss anyone between the 7th grade and the end of high School. So I missed out on getting to "hone my craft".
I have been told by almost every woman since that I am a great kisser but I have never believed it. Also in the kiss with "Bambi" we were not touching each other with our hands and my ribs were hurting, and we were being watched. It was kind of awkward, but when it was over, at first I was very pleased. It was longer then I expected and she was the more aggressive party (which I really like) but I realized that I forgot my best move, and I started obsessing about how much better I could have been. I wanted to ask her if she thought it was any good, but I know that is the wrong thing to do.
So, if you want to be my #1 Top Friend on my MySpace list, and you have a hot friend (female, of course) on June 15th I will have an opening available so drop me a line and I promise I will do a better job kissing the next time.
That's all for now,
Sunday, October 24, 2010
How To Be My Very Best Friend
Originally written and published - Sunday, April 08, 2007